Role reversal: Once the parent , now the child?

When I was younger, I recall, experiencing this wonderful warm and fuzzy feeling as on occasion I would help the frail Ms. Guiseppe, a resident at our local home for the elderly, with some of her everyday activities.

I would literally feel wings flapping at my back. So it was not surprising when the time came to step up to provide greater care to my aging parents, I happily and easily took on that role. It also helped that I was single, with no significant dependents, except a cat.

However, while my transition into that role felt natural to me, it’s one I soon discovered is challenging at best to others. For many adult children taking on the role of caregivers of their parents is often a journey filled with varying levels of anxiety, heartbreak, and intense feeling of disappointment.

Experiencing the pain of witnessing the deterioration of parents' health and strength, can be further compounded when roles seemingly blur, as children now caregivers question, am I still the child or am I now the parent?

Worse parents feeling subjected to the uncomfortable situation of supposedly being treated as a child, revolt, creating an intense environment of conflict, resulting in emotions of frustration, anger and even bitter defeat for those involved. Compromising what could have otherwise a powerful collaborative experience, benefiting both parent and child.

A recent online article in Your Aging Parent agree..." This is a special time in the relationship between you and your parent. It's a strange and confusing time that brings new challenges as it exposes new facets of the love you share. It's a precious time." The question is how can we all achieve this experience?

As with many relationship conflicts, multiple factors may need to be addressed. However one key ingredient, as I personally experienced, plays a significant role in contributing to one's success as a caregiver of their parents. It is respecting your parents.

In another online article Role Reversal-You and Your Elderly Parent, it's emphasized…"Your parent will always be your parent, and you their child. Just because your parent may require emotional or physical support during their later stages of life doesn't mean that you treat them like children."

Now is certainly not the time to play large and in charge but rather be understanding. Losing the respect of children and other loved ones due to weakness, handicap, or disease can be devastating to the elderly and further undermine their frail health.

For example, with the focus on due respect, when my parents moved in with me, I tried as much as possible to view it as that-a move, allowing them as much continued control over their everyday activities as possible, especially over their finances understanding the powerful dynamic of that resource.

Rather than taking full control of the finances I chose to provide appropriate guidance and allowed them to contribute rather than demand. Other suggestions to effectively manage that changing relationship include:

• Communicate. Keep the lines of communication between you and your parents as open as possible. Share with and reassure them you're looking out for their best interests and that your goal is to ensure their wishes are abided by.

• Engage. As I commented earlier keep your parents engaged in financial and health decisions. Work with them to ensure their wishes are respected as you prepare legal documents such as powers of attorney, and end-of-life wishes, as well as pursue home health and long-term nursing care arrangements.

• Take it slow. If you begin experiencing role reversals as you care for your parents, you may wish to slow down the pace of change you're pursuing. It's about care not control.

• Maintain your parents' dignity, the best that you can. Avoid talking or treating your parents like children - don't boss, nag them about their habits or tell them how they should behave. Be sensitive to discussions about them with others, while acting like they're not present.

• Adhere to the Golden Rule in your treatment of them. Remember one day soon, you may be in their shoes, ask yourself how you would like to be treated, regardless of physical or mental limitations.

Through it all, it’s important to remember as you pursue the compassion and honorable role of caregiver to your parents, be aware of their concerns, as they too are anxious about losing their independence and often in their attempt to prove that is not the case, they may resist your overtures of care.

Making it even more significant to keep always in the forefront of our minds as caregivers of our parents that they are human beings deserving to be treated with respect, compassion, and dignity, regardless of their circumstances.

In closing, with longevity rates increasing and statistics showing more than 50 percent of adults over the age of 85 dependent and in need of help to meet daily needs, it's very likely that many of us will be required to provide some degree of care for our parent(s) in our life time.